عند الشعور بعدم الامان: كلم ماما
عجيب أمر العقل الانساني؛ فجأة وبدون تخطيط يأتيني من آخر الذاكرة رقم هاتف أمي في مكتبها القديم، المكتب الذي كانت تعمل فيه عندما كنت طفلة وتلميذة في المدرسة، المكتب الذي كانت تشارك اثنتان من زميلاتها فيه، ذو الاسقف العالية، والتكيف القديم الذي يجعل المكتب ثلاجة في عز الحر، عز الحر حين كانت تصطحبنى معها الى المكتب احيانا قليلة في أجازة الصيف. عادة كانت تصطحبني مرة أو مرتين في الاجازة. كانت أيام خاصة لنا، كنا عادة نخرج لنتناول الغذاء في مطعم بعد هذه الزيارة. أتذكر في احدى زياراتي أخبرتها بأنني قررت أن أصبح كاتبة عندما أكبر وبدأت بكتابة قصص بقلم سميك وتصويرها على ماكينة التصوير في مكتبها، بدت لي القصص وهو بالابيض والاسود كالكلمة المطبوعة في الكتب، مهمة.
اليوم تذكرت فجأة رقم هاتفها في هذا المكتب: 748248. كدت أن أهرع الى التليفون لكي أحادثها كما كنت أفعل وأنا صغيرة، بل وأنا مراهقة وأنا شابة والى أن تركتني و رحلت. كنت عندما ينتابني هذا الشعور الخانق الذي ينتابني الآن، والذي يشبه السوستة المحشورة في وسط صدري، أجري الى التليفون وأكلمها لأسألها: بتعملي ايه وحتيجي امتى؟ كثيرا كانت تكون مقتضبة في حديثها، حتى بعد أن نُقل مكتبها الى مبنى آخر جديد وكبير وحيث لم تشارك أحداً في مكتبها، حتى في تلك الايام لم يكن عندها صبر على "دلعي". كانت تحاول ان تختصر المكالمة وأنا أحاول مستميتة أن أطيلها: أريد فقط أن أسمع صوتها... فلتقل أي شئ، فلتنهرني أو لتكبسني أو لتخترع لي واجبات منزلية لأفعلها، ولكن كلميني. أعتقد أنها أيضا لم تكن تريد أن تستمع لنبرة اليأس والقلق في صوتي، كانت تخيفها، يخيفها أن تفكر أن ابنتها ليست سعيدة: فلتسعدي. قالت لي مرة وقد كادت أن تيأس هي نفسها: يحزنني أنك لست سعيدة....
عندما يعود الى هذا الشعور يكون تفكيري التلقائي أن أكلم ماما.
فتوحشني، وأفهم معنى الفقد، ومعنى الالم.
مرة جاءني هذا الشعور وكنت مع أحدهم وبكيت، بكيت أمي فظن هو أنني أمثل ونهرني. كان عليّ أن أفهم في تلك اللحظة أشياء كثيرة.... ايش عرفه، هو الذي لم يفتقد أمه؟ وحتى لو عرف: قليلون هم الذين لديهم القدرة أن ينظروا الى الالم والفزع والموت "عينهم في عينه". معظمنا يهرب. معظمنا يخجل من ألم الآخرين. حتى ماما، ألم تكن تضيق بحزني اللامفهوم من وجهة نظرها؟ العجيب أن أبي عادة لا يضيق ذرعاً عندما أطلبه بلا داعي. لا أعلم ان كان يفطن الى القلق الرهيب الذي يحثنى على تلك المكالمات النادرة، هل يسمعه؟ غالباً. ربما يفهمه، ربما هو أيضاً يحاول أن يمد حبل الوصال بالكلام ليتعلق به وينجو من الغرق في البحر المظلم.
أجد في بعض الافكار الصوفية – أحيانا – ملاذي. ربما حزني وجزعى ووحدتي هي حال الانسان في هذه الدنيا، هي قدر الانسان في هذا الجزء من الرحلة... ربما.
ربما ان طلبت ماما أجابت...
Labels: existential angst
47 Comments:
وصلت لمدونتك ...اختارتها من قائمة طويلة ...لدى رحاب بسام ربما لأن أسمك شدنى لأنى أحبه
عندما نشعر بعدم الأمان
نحتاج للطوق الذى دائما لا يخذلنا
حتى وإن لم يكن هناك كلام سوى العبارات
اليومية العادية...فقط نريد أن نشعر أن هناك شخصًا ما يعطينا الأمان
أدخل الله والدتك فسيح جناته
ووهبك كل الخير
سعيدة بزيارتك
تحياتى
اتوجعت أوي...
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